Through an exhaustive investigation into the cause of the local renaissance faire's losing battle against spiraling downward revenues, a new plan has been announced that will solve their dilemma. It was determined that by eliminating the employees, whose distracting costumes and interactions with customers were found to be the cause of its losses, the faire's profit margin woes would be cured, and the local ren faire would not suffer the fate of other faires that didn't measure up to the profits that its new CEO had projected for them.

Now through the miracle of corporate sponsorship, the faire has been saved, and once again will open its doors in the upcoming season. After the faire's long-needed overhaul, management has ensured a profitable, safe place for all to enjoy themselves. To celebrate this glorious achievement, the faire has been renamed: Southern's Renaissance Land o' Profit®.

Here's a sneak peek at what's in store for 2014. Huzzah!

Parking

No more parking worries, no more dust.

Just drive down to the nearest Greyhound® bus terminal and be whisked away by their courteous drivers to the new permanent site located just 30 miles east of Death Valley. (Bus pass discounts available at all 7-Eleven® stores.)

Opening Gate

Once you arrive at faire, you will be greeted by a cast of wonderfully-costumed entertainers on the Blockbuster® big screen TV. Then head on over to the Lock-o-Matics® to drop off all your personal belongings before entering faire. But don't forget your wallet, you'll need that!

Tickets

But wait, there's more. No more waiting in lines to buy tickets.

Just go directly to any of the many new Vend-o-Matic® booths to buy your admission tickets!

Next, breeze on over to the new self-serve entrance gates. Just stick your ticket in the entrance slot and walk through any of the dozens of self-serve metal detectors. If you pass, the door opens!

The good news for those who like to come and go as they please is that this same ticket works for exit and re-entry too. For re-entry, simply go to the re-entry booths and put your ticket in the slot. Then, blow in any of the auto-sanitized breathalyzers. If your blood alcohol is at a safe level, the door will open. If not, no problem! Drop a quarter into the comfy Vend-o-Matic sky-chairs (15 minutes per quarter, 4 quarter minimum).

Maps

Are you ready for adventure? Then get ready to start going back in time to the days of the renaissance. Just flip over your ticket and you'll find a convenient Vend-o-Map® of the shire. Everything you need to enjoy your day at faire is here, and color-coded for your convenience, too. Simply locate the Vend-o-Matic® booth of your dreams, then follow the matching color-coded stripes painted along all the concrete replica cobblestone paths to any location! What could be easier?

Restrooms

Need a restroom, but hate those old smelly port-o-potties of the past? You can forget that anachronism, now there are real reenactor-approved Sept-o-Houses® to simulate that old world feel. And don't fret. These privies are free! No need to worry about them running out of toilet paper at the end of the day, either. The rich authenticity of each Sept-o-House® goes a step further: bales and bales of aged replica straw are provided outside every door. So be sure to grab a handful on the way in!

Shopping

First stop on the tour is the Vend-o-Change® dispenser which accepts VISA® and MasterCard®, only. (Sorry, no cash accepted.) Stock up on quarters and get ready to feel the surge of excitement as your shopping spree is about to begin. Then, scan your eyes down the list of vendors. You'll be happy to see that all your favorites are still here, saved by new corporate sponsorship. Here's a sampling:

Beverages

Thirsty? No wasting time with all that distracting chatter of the past! Go right up to the Vend-o-Tap® ale server, slide up the Spill-Guard® door, place your tankard inside the Vend-o-Dispenser®, drop in the correct change. And presto! Your drink is served quick as a wink! But it doesn't end here. Get a thrill as you pop a quarter in the Tip-o-Matic® slot for resounding Huzzah! For an extra quarter watch the Wench-o-Matic® screen and hear the bell-like sounds as she kicks the cymbal in thanks!

Vendome® Ales

Proudly featuring the following fine brew on Vend-o-Tap®:

O'Doul's®
Sharp's®
Seagram's® Wine Coolers
Bartle's and Jayme's® in 4 flavors
Boones Farm® in 3 flavors
Thunderbird® Original

Dining

Hungry? Help yourself to all the same renaissance feasts you've come to know and enjoy, but there's no waiting and no distractions when Vend-o-Matic® is on the job. Here's a list of the fine foods you have to look forward to:

Fyne Feast® Foods

Olde McDonald's® Boneless McTurkey Legs
Jacque o' le Box Fish 'n Chips
Quizno's® Inquisition Dead Meat on a Stick
Colonel Sander's Husk o' Corn Nibblets
Hot Dog on a Stick's Toad on a Pole
Burger King's® Boar's Head Inn
Salisbury Steak
Whitman's® Strawberry Dipped Samplers
Seven See's® Chocolatier's Fudge Bites

Apparel

Want to get into the true spirit of faire? Then you'll want to dress yourself in pure renaissance style. Find your look at any one of these fine Vend-o-Garb® locations, all at reasonable prices that every family can afford.

Clothestime® Peasant Wear

This machine has everything for the peasant look, from shaded polyester pants to brightly colored nylon tights.

K-Mart®-ecus
Jacqueline Smith Collection®

Get jerkins, doublets and all your patten leather needs here.

Old Navy® Pantaloons

What faire would be complete without nobles. This vendor carries velveteen garb in every color of the rainbow, and features the Elvis, Liberace and Elton John collections. Huzzah!

Footlocker® Bootery

They have all the footwear you'll need to complete your outfit including Sears® moccasin replica sneakers, Nike® pump-sole boots, and Target® Nauga-hide sandals.

Tupperwear's® Tankards

Get your metal-detector safe items here including plastic tankards, mugs, shot glasses, tankard straps, and chalices.

Weapons

Have a scabbard but no sword to put in it? Worry not, the weapons booth will take care of that.

Ye Old Plywood Weapons Shop
Sponsored by Home Depot®
We'll get you through any metal detector! Fast!

Want to be a knight of the round table? This Vend-o-Matic® has everything you'll need to finish off that costume with style from swords to daggers, and much more!

Entertainment

Want to be entertained? Then get your quarters ready: these slots are hot!

Sir Edwards®
Old World Flashcard Cinemas

What's more fun than old-fashioned flashcard animated cinema! See favorites such as snippets of Kevin Costner riveting performance as Robinhood, Peewee Herman's touching portrayal of Othello, and more!

Gamer's Row Video Arcade

Do your kids want to have some medieval fun? Then head on over to the gaming area for hours of fun, and don't forget those quarters!

Badminton with Kittens Sponsored
by Friskies®
Whammo® Frisbee® Toss
Nerf® Archery
Rubbermade® Lance Toss
Tricycle Jousting Sponsored by Huffy®

The Allergy Free Petting Zoo
They almost feel real!

Kids bored with playing games? Then it's time to pet the animals over at the simulated zoo. This exciting attraction features Toys-R-Us® life-like iguanas, lizards, snakes, armadillos and tortoises. And don't forget to drop in a quarter for a handful of KayBee Toys® reptile food to feed the animals!

Sheep Shearing Vide-o-Matic®
Co-Sponsored by Revlon® and
Vidal Sassoon®

If you're into Celtic history, then you won't want to miss this informative video classic.

Juggling Your Balls Vide-o-Matic®
Sponsored by H&R Block®

See this animated short of a jester in fanciful clothing juggling for the King of the shire.

Madam Zola's
Fortune-o-Matic® Card Dispenser
Sponsored by Merrill Lynch®
We're Bullish on Renaissance

Love gypsies? Then you'll want to head over to this wonderful dispenser to get a real renaissance gypsy fortune located on plague row.

Souvenirs

Dollar Delights

On the way out of the shire, you won't want to miss this treasure-trove of delights. Be sure to take home souvenirs for everyone in the family to continually remind you of the warmth and cheer you experienced at Southern's New Renaissance Land o' Profit. Visit the Mement-o-Matics® sponsored by Dollar Tree® and 99Cents Only Stores® for a variety of quality keepsakes all at dollar or less!

Author: Heidi Bosch. This article is for entertainment value only. Also known as a spoof, a joke, a wise crack, a fantasy, a fictional piece, a comic view of reality, a sarcastic description of a could-be event, a jokester's view of the future to come if trends continue, a warning to the naive, a CEO's fantasy that hasn't yet come to pass (thank goodness). None of the companies listed have anything to do with the fictional renaissance faire and would roll over in their future graves if they thought you actually believed this article. The faire in this fictional work is in no way affiliated with any renaissance faire in existence, nor would we want it to be even if they begged, pleaded and bribed us. It is a fake faire grown out of the imagination of our own paranoid nightmares of the future and any resemblance to real faires is purely coincidental, is ridiculous to the learned, absurd to us, and is a silly notion, indeed.